mindful storytelling of memories

I've been wondering, how often in our day to day lives are we truly honest, with ourselves and others, about our experiences?

I don't know about you, but I think it's rare that I'm right on the money when I describe something from my life, whether I'm exaggerating how fun and wonderful a certain vacation was or downplaying how strong I was through a stretch of depression. but then it's not exactly uncommon that we forget the difficulties during something that "should" have been great, or that we try not to give ourselves the credit that perhaps we deserve.

why is that?

maybe it's because we don't always live life mindfully. I've learned a fair bit about mindfulness during all my mental health stuffs (although that isn't at all to say that I'm good at it). mindfulness, click the link if you want a more full definition, is "the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something". in particular this is applied to one's "feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations".

it makes sense that if we're not very mindful of our emotions during an experience, we can't properly remember it.

when I do use mindfulness it can be very powerful. when I'm depressed, I can start to pull myself out more easily if I start identifying my emotions- "I feel sad", "I feel anxious", "I feel scared". it doesn't provide an immediate solution, but it can light the road out. I can start to forgive myself for those feelings.

the husband and I were in Europe for a couple weeks last summer. super cool in many ways, with plenty of difficulties that I don't always share. I wonder if I was more mindful at the time, things might have been easier. and I would have remembered the experiences more accurately. for example in Paris: "it's really hot here", "it's really crowded", "I feel uncomfortable seeing these other women in pretty skirts/dresses/pantsuits and impractical shoes while I'm in my comfortable Keens and pocket laden capris". and maybe I would have realized that hey, it's ok that I'm not loving this experience. I often feel that I "should" have loved Paris, but I didn't, so when I describe this trip I usually gloss over the Paris part.

I know I wasn't totally mindful during our time in Paris, but I think it's possible to give a little mindful reflection of the experience to turn it into a more honest memory.

so I know in my first post I said I wasn't going to talk only about my mental health stuff (and yes, I have already some in the post), but if you'll forgive me I'm going to insert some more now. feel free to skip the next paragraph if it's too much.

I have a ton of memory loss, and I mean a ton. I went through about 15ish months of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT), which ended about 15ish months ago, in order to pull myself out of a very deep depression. now, ECT causes major memory loss. if you don't already know what it is, you're welcome to read here, or you can read my short summary. during ECT, you (in this case I) goes under anesthesia during which electrical current is passed through the brain to induce a seizure. this causes changes in brain chemistry, which "can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental health conditions". not everyone benefits, but I can safely say that I did. if you choose to read further down that Mayo Clinic link, you can find more about the memory loss thing. for me, I have a significant black hole (with perhaps a few teeny vague snips of memory mixed in) during the first 6ish months of treatment. memory improved after that, but creating new memories didn't feel quite "normal" until after treatment completely finished. I have a lot of memory loss of the years prior to treatment, in particular the times of the deepest depression and the couple years just before ECT, which the psychiatrist labeled "state dependent memory". specifically here, for me, this is memory attached to the state of severe depression.

that was a lot of background info to basically say that I have issues with memory loss, and in turn, glossing over memories, etc, etc. not all of that is due to a lack of mindfulness, see above paragraph for my reasoning behind it all, but I think adding mindfulness as I move forward in my life can help me. and I believe it can help others.

I don't think mindfulness is the answer to all problems or anything like that. and to be honest, some memory loss is there to protect us. if we remember less about some of the most painful parts of our lives- loss of a loved one for example- it becomes more possible to continue our lives. it also may be a better tribute to that person to remember more of the happy memories. there's a balance somewhere in there that probably most people don't achieve.

maybe mindfulness can help with that? it's a theory.

my blind-date introduction

hi.

let me introduce myself.

my name is Alisa. I am a 30 something gal, and I have all sorts of labels: engineer (currently unemployed), fairly self-empowered woman, mom (currently stay-at-home), wife, all kinds of relation, friend. skier, swimmer, at times triathlete, singer, reader, sometimes traveler. you get the picture, I'm many things. just as you all are many things.

I also have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder type II and for many years that's been a perhaps self-imposed primary label. I have another blog that I wrote for the last several years, mostly about my mental health stuff. but I've been wondering if I need to move on from that label and embrace more that I am many things. I am not defined by any one label though it's ok that I sometimes have been.

I've had to focus on my health a ton over the last few years- quit my job, tried new meds and new treatments, went through electro-convulsive therapy for over a year, got myself a re-diagnosis and new meds, did an outpatient group therapy program, re-found the benefits of exercise on my mental health, and found stability (mostly, or somewhat, not sure really). it's been exhausting, but it's brought me closer to normality (hah, whatever that means).

(side note- I'm working to redefine what "normal" is, my current favorite is "range of comfortable" or maybe "range of manageable" would be better).

anyway, I don't actually want to spend all my time on mental health discussion, although I do have plenty of strong and not as strong opinions about those and related topics, and I'm sure they will come up at times, but I'm working to find a newer theme in this blog.

the name I've chosen- shine on you crazy diamond- is, as you Pink Floyd fans know, the name of a song with those words being the prominent repeated lyrics. it's been a favorite of mine for awhile and it feels very powerful. for me the song is a reminder to allow myself to shine through and along with all the crazies.

so my best guess for this blog is that it will be about just that - shining through in life along with the crazies. (I hope I can safely call it crazies without giving anyone offense because I'm recognizing that I have lots of them. we all do. perhaps it's time to embrace them).